


I wish I had kissed you sooner

by 123angelcat



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi is scared of expressing his feelings, Anxiety, Confessions, First Kiss, Fluff, Happy Ending, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Poetry, Sad Bokuto - he hides under tables, Slow Burn, t for some swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29668674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/123angelcat/pseuds/123angelcat
Summary: Akaashi is scared to admit his feelings for Bokuto and after an awfully constructed plan goes haywire, it ends up hurting them both. A story of two friends who stopped being scared of the consequences and acknowledged the love they have for one another.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 53





	I wish I had kissed you sooner

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my very first fanfic about my favourite Haikyuu ship. Bokuto and Akaashi have a special place in my heart. I love the dynamic between them but also apart their characters are great. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy my take on their love story :)

The first time Akaashi Keji saw him, the ace of Fukurodani, he was struck by the way his body moved through the air. Legs up, arm curved, and torso arched. Akaashi felt the room reverberate at the sound of the spikey-haired first year’s hand connecting with the ball, slamming it to the other side of the net. For a moment their eyes met, cobalt blue and golden yellow.

 _He’s a star,_ he remembered thinking to himself. Cheers and cries echoed through the gymnasium and the spiker smiled enthusiastically to his teammates congratulating them on a great play. Akaashi stared at the team willing his brain to remember every detail of the volleyball player whose eyes radiated with hunger for this very game.

***

The first time Akaashi met Bokuto Koutarou, it was the first volleyball practice of his first year in high school. The early morning brought thick, dark clouds which covered the sky promising a rainstorm. Akaashi glanced up on his walk to the school’s gym and felt rain droplets hit his forehead. He quickened his pace to beat the downpour. Rubbing his sleepy eyes, he opened the gym doors and was greeted with the familiar scent of sweat and floor cleaner. As much as Akaashi loved volleyball, he was - without a doubt - not a morning person.

Sneakers squeaked across the polished hardwood as some players slowly warmed up their muscles with light stretches or jogs. Akaashi made his way to the change room when he heard it: a deep, hearty laughter. It filled the room with its sound and the silver-haired student it belonged to sauntered through the gym doors. The player Akaashi had seen only a few months ago was standing right in front of him. The image of his body gracefully leaping through the air raced across Akaashi’s mind.

_Bokuto._

Akaashi blinked wildly and hurried to the change rooms. Practice was about to start. 

Akaashi never liked being the centre of attention. It left him dizzy and nauseous having all these faces staring, focusing on every little detail of him. It made him nervous. He didn’t like being watched but since he was the only first year on the team, all eyes were on him.

“Akaashi Keiji,” he said slightly bowing to the group. “I’m from Mori Junior High School. I play Setter.”

‘Welcomes’ rang through the gym from his new teammates and Coach sent everyone off to practice their setting. Letting out a sigh of relief, Akaashi picked up a volleyball and looked around for someone to practice with.

“Hey, hey, hey Akashi-kun!” said Bokuto waving him over by the net. “Come and set for me. I need to practice my spikes for our next practice match against Nekoma.”

“It’s Akaashi.”

“So, what do you say? Want to set for me?”

Akaashi looked around searching for someone…anyone else to practice with. Finding no one else he nodded his head reluctantly and walked over to Bokuto. His heart was beating loudly he swore Bokuto could hear it. They warmed up a little by volleying the ball back and forth towards each other. Akaashi observed Bokuto and the way his eyes focused intently on the ball, trailing its course through the air. He noticed, as they took a quick break, the way he talked excitedly, hands moving back and forth around his face. He spoke about someone named Kuroo – from Nekoma – and how he planned on crushing his team at their match. Bokuto’s right arm swung out, imitating a spike, and crashed it back down through the air, hooting with laughter.

“We have to win Akaashi!” exclaimed Bokuto looking behind to grin at him. “Otherwise, I owe Kuroo 100 meat buns!”

Akaashi dipped his head in agreement hiding the faint blush on his cheeks. Bokuto made anyone feel like they were the only one in the world. His attention solely focused on you and no one else. He made you feel special. For the short while Akaashi spent with Bokuto, the upper year was always smiling that toothy grin the one that stretched ear to ear. Akaashi wondered if Bokuto ever stopped smiling.

“Okay, I’m going to toss to you now. Get ready,” said Bokuto throwing up the ball in the air towards Akaashi. Akaashi moved forward and placed himself under the ball, arms raised, fingertips pushing the ball up, setting it high in the air towards the spiker.

“Bokuto-san!”

Bokuto angled his feet and moved forward in long motions swinging his arms back behind him. Akaashi let out a small gasp seeing Bokuto launch himself in the air. It was beautiful. It reminded him of the first time he watched Bokuto play. The way his muscles pushed to help him control the power of the attack. Akaashi had no words for the sight. Setting to him felt…right.

Bokuto settled back to the ground. He held up his right hand gingerly to look at before swinging around to stare at Akaashi with wide eyes. Akaashi felt it too. A tingling sensation ran through his fingertips the moment the ball left his hand. Akaashi shivered. Bokuto was still staring at him.

“Again,” he announced, eyes sparkling with fervor. “Set to me again.”

***

Since that first meeting, Bokuto and Akaashi became inseparable. It started with wanting to have someone to jog next to during warmup laps, then it turned into wanting Akaashi to set to him as much as possible. Bokuto was friendly, he made friends easily, but it was still a surprise to Akaashi when he found himself gravitating towards someone like him. At first, Akaashi didn’t think anything of it. His need for peace and quiet were lost when he heard Bokuto’s booming laugh or saw his gleaming grin. Although he didn’t show it, Akaashi loved listening to Bokuto speak. He could listen to him chatter and ramble for however long Bokuto wanted him by his side.

While most of the team headed to the change room to change, Bokuto asked Akaashi to stay longer. It had become part of their routine together to spend a few extra hours setting and spiking with each other. Akaashi enjoyed these moments alone with Bokuto where he could bask in the silver haired owl’s presence without interruption.

Akaashi was observant. He noticed the small details in a person, like mismatched sock colours or a faint scar by the side of someone’s eye. He noticed his surroundings, like the faces of the people waiting at the bus stop or the way the trees bent against the wind. He noticed the patterns of his opponents, like the quick glance to the right to signify a cross shot. Akaashi noticed everything around him. That’s why he found it strange that him and Bokuto were the only ones to ever stay late after practice, even with the tournament around the corner.

“How come the rest of the team doesn’t stay longer?” he asked while Bokuto was putting up the volleyball nets.

“Er…well, they used to but they kind of stopped since we started staying later more often,” Bokuto said sheepishly rubbing the back of his head.

Akaashi was just about to ask Bokuto what he meant when he was interrupted by -

“KONOHA!”

“Oi, Bokuto! Stop harassing the first year,” said Konoha jokingly slapping the silver-haired spiker on the shoulder. “He doesn’t want to keep practicing with you. He’s just too nice to say anything.”

“That’s not true Akaashi! You would tell me if you didn’t want to practice with me? I’m a big boy! You can tell it to my face,” said Bokuto giving Akaashi puppy dog eyes before looking away dramatically.

“I want to practice with you, Bokuto-san,” said Akaashi evenly.

Konoha eyed Bokuto suspiciously then grinned widely before turning to Akaashi.

“Blink twice if he’s holding you hostage, Akaashi,” Konoha laughed seeing his blank face. “I’m just teasing! Enjoy the extra practice.” Konoha sent a quick wink to Bokuto as the upper year waved his goodbyes. “See you bright and early tomorrow morning.”

Akaashi turned his head towards Bokuto with his eyebrow raised sensing the upper years knew something that he didn’t. Bokuto blushed warmly, splotches of red appearing on the apples of his cheeks unsure of how to continue. The two stood motionless before Bokuto clapped his hands together.

“Let’s practice! I need to get that cut-shot down before our next match.”

“Sure, Bokuto-san. Let’s practice.”

***

“Whatcha reading there?” asked Bokuto one day during lunch break. He plopped down next to Akaashi on the wooden bench outside, enjoying the sunny weather. With the suddenness of their friendship, Akaashi and Bokuto quickly fell into a routine. The majority of their days were spent together: walking to school, spending their lunch breaks outside, late night practices. Akaashi enjoyed Bokuto’s company. He could listen to him speak for hours; it eased the spiraling thoughts in his head. But today, his anxiety got the better of him and he was craving some peace and quiet.

“A book,” Akaashi said slamming it closed with a loud thump. He stood up to leave, not wanting to get into a long conversation while his limbs were numb and his chest was tight.

_I’ll just tell him I’m not feeling well and that I have to go._

Fumbling with his hands, he quickly packed up his lunch and notebooks readying himself to tell his friend he was leaving.

“Ocean Vuong.”

The sound of Bokuto’s choppy English brought Akaashi’s attention to the book he had suddenly closed. Taking a deep breath, he counted to ten, held it then exhaled. Fiddling with his uniform sleeves gave his hands something to do, gave his overflowing mind something to focus on.

With his eyes kept low he murmured, “It’s a book of poetry.”

Bokuto’s eyes stayed on the book, devouring the letters of words he couldn’t quite understand.

“Can you read me some?”

Panic surged through his body. Akaashi was about to say no, he has to go…somewhere, anywhere. He needed to get away. He felt himself grow cold and sweat droplets formed at his brow and the breathing exercises from minutes ago weren’t helping anymore. He lifted his eyes to tell Bokuto maybe some other time when his breath caught at the back of his throat. At high noon, the light hit the back of Bokuto’s body leaving his face in shadow. A halo of oranges and yellows reflected in his silvery hair, glimmering like a thousand tiny jewels. His features were obscured but his eyes…oh, his eyes. The yellow that he had seen so many times before had turned into a warm honey colour.

“Akaashi,” Bokuto started, smiling his usual friendly smile. “Can you read me some?”

Akaashi felt his heartbeat slowing, the warmth of Bokuto’s eyes traveled to his smile bringing life back to Akaashi’s limbs, releasing the tight hold around his chest. His shallow breaths were deepening as he relaxed. That moment was all it took. He took the book from him and opened it to the first page.

“Tell me it was for the hunger…”

The dark-haired boy closed the book when the final words of the poem left his mouth. He glanced to his side and saw Bokuto eyeing him curiously. His eyebrows were slightly raised, and his mouth was parted leaving a small space between his lips. Akaashi quirked his eyebrow at Bokuto’s strange expression.

“I didn’t understand a thing but…” Bokuto gripped the front of his uniform near his heart, “but I felt everything here. You read so well, Akaashi! Do you write poetry too?”

Akaashi felt his shoulders stiffen at the personal question. He did write poetry. It was a way to express his feelings, the ones he couldn’t say out loud. He saw poems everywhere. They were hidden in the trees whispering their thoughts to the wind. They were hidden in his fingers, pinching and pulling the skin at his wrists. They were hidden in the warm golden eyes of the man in front of him.

“Yes.”

Bokuto grinned widely showing all of his teeth and pointed to himself.

“You should write about me, Akaashi!”

“Sure, Bokuto-san.”

***

They had lost the first set and were now trailing by five points in the second. The practice match against Nohebi, just two weeks left before the tournament, gave them the chance to practice new tactics and strategies. But Akaashi could feel the bad thoughts pooling in his head.

_You’re an awful player. That’s why the team is losing right now. Stupid. Garbage. Useless._

His plays had been sloppy the whole game. His jumps weren’t quick enough, his blocks weren’t well timed, his sets weren’t high enough. Everything was going wrong because of him. Akaashi jumped to try and block Nohebi’s spiker from breaking through but the ball flew between his arms, landing with a dull thud on Fukurodani’s side. The buzzer sounded. They lost.

Akaashi took his time in the shower, waiting for most of the team to leave. He wished he could drown under the hot water. Everyone probably hated him for making them lose the game. The team was probably conspiring to kick Akaashi off the team. Unwillingly, he stepped out of the warm shower and quickly toweled off. He changed into a clean sweater and joggers before sitting down on the bench, his head in his hands. He was the only one left in the change room. He could hear the thoughts in his head telling him he was a bad volleyball player, that everyone wished he hadn’t joined the team. Completely overwhelmed, Akaashi started to cry. He sobbed until he was gasping for air.

“Akaashi?”

 _Shit._

Akaashi quickly wiped his face on his sleeve before turning around.

“Oh, Bokuto-san! I didn’t see you there. What’s up?” he replied a little too eagerly.

Bokuto was still in his uniform. He walked through the room stopping a few metres away, eyes examining Akaashi’s red blotchy skin.

“Coach asked to speak to me after the game. I guess we lost track of time…Are you okay, Akaashi?”

“Yeah! Yeah! Uh, never been better!” Akaashi stood up and started to make his way to the door. “I’m just heading out now!”

“Akaashi! Stop! You were crying. What happened? Are you hurt? Did you get injured? Are you okay?”

Bokuto moved closer to Akaashi.

“You can tell me anything.”

Akaashi broke at those simple words. All the strength he had mustered in trying to hide his feelings dissolved when he heard the sincerity in Bokuto’s voice. His closest friend, the one who instantly knew when something was wrong. Akaashi started to cry, hiding his face in his hands.

“I made the team lose,” he whispered, tears streaming down his face. “I’m a horrible volleyball player. I should be benched for the rest of the season.”

Bokuto guided Akaashi to the bench so they were sitting side by side. Bokuto bumped his knee into Akaashi’s, an attempt to cheer him up.

“It’s a practice game, ‘Kaash. You’re supposed to make mistakes. That’s how you learn.”

“I keep messing up! If I can’t do it properly here, what makes you think I can do it well in a real game? I’m…I’m going to let everyone down.”

Akaashi let out a choked sob. His breathing was getting shallower and his heartbeat was starting to race. He placed two fingers on the side of his throat, counting his heartbeats. The air coming out of his nose was loud and heavy. He looked everywhere but at Bokuto. He couldn’t let him see the panic on his face. Akaashi felt his chest tighten, he felt his heavy limbs hanging at his sides. He wanted to be anywhere but here, he needed to leave. But he couldn’t move from the bench. Frozen.

Suddenly he felt Bokuto’s warm hand rest on the middle of his back, rubbing soothing circles on his spine.

“Akaashi, you’re having a panic attack right now. I need you to take deep breaths with me. Follow me. Concentrate on that. We’ll breathe together,” said Bokuto.

Bokuto’s reassuring voice calmed Akaashi for a moment as they inhaled, held for five seconds, then exhaled. They continued this until Akaashi’s heartbeat calmed and his breathing slowed.

“Are you feeling better?”

Akaashi nodded his head yes.

“That’s good. Akaashi, can you look at me?”

Akaashi shook his head no, heavy with embarrassment at Bokuto seeing him so vulnerable. Bokuto continued rubbing circles on his back.

“That’s fine. We can stay like this if it makes you comfortable.”

Bokuto stayed silent stroking Akaashi’s back. His other hand moved up brushing the dark sweaty bangs off his forehead. Akaashi could feel Bokuto examining him, eyeing his damp, splotchy face and red rimmed eyes. When a thumb floated across Akaashi’s cheek to wipe a fallen tear, Akaashi looked up.

“I’m here for you, ‘Kaash. You don’t have to go through this alone,” whispered Bokuto. “I know you. I know how you can get in your head sometimes. But you’ll get through this.”

“Bokuto-san,” murmured Akaashi. “I’m scared.”

“Why are you scared?”

Exhausted, Akaashi closed his eyes and rested his head on Bokuto’s shoulder. Bokuto wrapped his arm around the setter’s waist, resting his cheek on Akaashi’s head.

“I’m scared I’m going to disappoint everyone,” he mumbled. “I’m scared everyone will hate me and blame me for making the team lose.”

Bokuto tightened his grip around him and turned to press his lips against Akaashi’s hair. He stayed silent, collecting his thoughts and waited till Akaashi’s shoulders relaxed against his.

“Volleyball is a team sport, right?” asked Bokuto. Akaashi nodded his head in agreement. “So, you can’t put the blame on one person, when we’re all playing together, as a team. You’re one of the best setters out there, ‘Kaash. When you get all in your head, you forget how great you are.”

Bokuto leaned closer to the setter, trailing his hand down to Akaashi’s and lightly clasped his long fingers, squeezing once, twice, three times.

“I want you to remember how much people care about you. You’re important to them. You’re important to me. Next time you feel like this – in school or during a game – find me, ‘Kaash. Or squeeze my hand like this when you feel like you can’t say anything! You’re doing a great job and I want to be there for you.”

“Thank you, Bokuto-san. That means a lot to me.”

Bokuto smiled. “Now, let’s go grab some food. I’m starving!”

***

As quickly as the semester started, it ended. The winter break was much needed and Akaashi planned on catching up on his reading. Sitting down at the edge of his bed he kicked off his slippers ready for a lazy afternoon of relaxing when his cellphone rang.

<<AGHAASSHHEE>>

<<Yes, Bokuto-san?>>

<<What are you doing right now? This very moment, what are you doing?>>

<<I’m trying to read, Bokuto-san.>>

<<What would be better? Reading the same book you’ve read a thousand times or going skating with me, Kuroo and Kenma?>>

Akaashi blushed at the fact Bokuto was right. He was rereading the same book he’s read so many times before. Still, he wanted a day to be alone

<<Please, please, please! I’ll buy you hot chocolate! PLLLLEEEAAASSEEE!>>

Akaashi groaned at Bokuto’s insistence. It _was_ a nice day and he really should go out and enjoy it.

<<Fine. But make it two hot chocolates and a pastry and I’ll go skating with you.>>

<<AGHAASSHEE! YOU’RE THE BEST! Let’s meet at the park entrance in an hour. See you soon!>>

Akaashi rolled his eyes at Bokuto’s enthusiasm.

_Alright, skating won’t be that bad._

It was bad. Very, very bad. Bokuto was not a good skater at all. What he lacked in skill, he carried in dangerous overconfidence.

“Watch me, Akaashi! Look at me do this trip axel! I’m like Hanyu Yuzuru!”

“Bokuto-san, you can barely stand on the ice.”

“Look! Look! Look at me!”

Akaashi watched painfully as Bokuto slowly inched his skates forward swinging his arms side to side in an attempt to turn himself. Halfway through the clumsy rotation, his skate clipped an uneven chip in the ice, and he went tumbling. Completely defeated from his attempt at ice skating, Bokuto laid there spread-eagle on the ice.

“Leave me, Akaashi. Leave me here to die,” he dramatized. “Tell my mother I love her.”

“Bokuto-san, you’re being dramatic,” laughed Akaashi covering his mouth with his hand. “Here, grab my arm.”

“Wait! Let me see!”

“See what?”

“Your smile!”

“I always smile.”

Bokuto scoffed. “Yeah, but it’s so rare. I want to memorize every moment when you do.”

Akaashi removed his hand from his lips, smiling down at the boy on the ground.

“Are you happy now?”

Bokuto’s eyes gleamed. “Yes. Very.”

“Come, let me help you up.” Reaching down, Akaashi helped pull Bokuto up from his fall and dusted ice scrapings from his coat.

“I’m surprised you never learned how to skate,” said Akaashi holding Bokuto steady as he got used to standing with his skates on.

“I am a man of many talents, Akaashi,” joked Bokuto. “But skating is not one of them.”

They skated – well, Akaashi pulled and Bokuto slid – together before meeting with Kuroo and Kenma in the centre of the rink to catch their breaths.

“Let’s all grab some hot chocolate before we head out. Is that cool with everyone?” suggested Kuroo. The group agreed and they skated towards the booth at the end of the rink. Kuroo and Kenma slowly pulled ahead to order the drinks leaving Bokuto and Akaashi trailing behind.

“Akaashi,” said Bokuto shyly. “Sorry for dragging you skating. I can tell you’re not having much fun because you have to watch over me.”

Akaashi looked at Bokuto from the corner of his eye and saw the sadness radiating out of the tall spiker. Even his hair was drooping. He clutched harder onto Bokuto’s arm holding him upright and glided them across the rink.

“I’m having a lovely time, Bokuto-san. Any time I get to spend time with you is enjoyable.”

Akaashi saw the tips of Bokuto’s hair perk up and his smile return. There was a faint blush spreading across Bokuto’s cheeks and Akaashi smiled one of his rare smiles. He squeezed Bokuto’s arm.

“Come, you still owe me that hot chocolate.”

Waving their goodbyes to Kuroo and Kenma as they left the station, Bokuto and Akaashi walked slowly through snow-covered neighbourhoods heading home. The crunching of their boots echoed through the late-night silence. It was just the two of them sipping on their second round of hot chocolates.

“Between a kangaroo and a bear, which do you think would win in a fight?” asked Bokuto seriously, stopping to step on a cracked patch of ice.

Akaashi contemplated Bokuto’s strange question before giving his reasoning.

“Definitely a kangaroo. It’s got the kicking power and can probably hop faster than a bear can run.”

Bokuto nodded at everything Akaashi was saying storing the information away in his head, most likely, to settle an argument with Kuroo. They continued walking through the streets. It was getting colder and Akaashi blew warm arm into his mitten-covered hands. He was watching Bokuto up ahead spin around in circles trying to catch as many snowflakes as he could on his tongue. Akaashi smiled at Bokuto’s liveliness. He really did enjoy today and spending time with his closest friend.

“Akaashi, look!” said Bokuto pointing his finger up in the sky. A shooting star streaked across the clear night sky. “Make a wish!” Bokuto closed his eyes tight and mumbled some words to himself. Akaashi gazed at his best friend’s profile. He couldn’t stop staring at the curve of his nose, his smooth skin, his plump lips, his thick brows.

 _He’s beautiful. God, he’s so beautiful. I wish I could kiss him right now._

Yellow eyes peered down at him startling him out of his secret admiration.

“Did you make a wish, ‘Kaash?”

“Yes, Bokuto-san.”

“What did you wish for?”

“If I told you then it wouldn’t come true.”

Bokuto grunted his agreement albeit stubbornly. They continued walking down the street when they made it to the crossroads which would force them to part ways. Bokuto bent down and started packing some snow in his hands.

“What are you doing, Bok –” Akaashi’s sentence was interrupted by the smack of a snowball hitting him square in the face. Bokuto was laughing maniacally as he ran away from Akaashi’s impending revenge. Standing in shock with snow dripping down his cheek, Akaashi quickly set to packing snow in his hands before sprinting after Bokuto, who was, conveniently, nowhere to be found.

“Come out, come out, Bokuto-san!” exclaimed Akaashi slowing to tiptoe down the sidewalk. “I’m not going to hurt you.” His ears perked up when he heard the faint sound of chuckling. Akaashi scaned his head trying to find the location of the sound.

_Gotcha._

A pair of bright blue boots stuck out from the side of a convenience store. Akaashi crept silently towards Bokuto’s hiding spot but just as he was about to turn the corner and smash the snowball in Bokuto’s face, Akaashi slipped. He slipped on a patch of ice covered by snow and tumbled towards the unsuspecting boy. Akaashi landed awkwardly on top of Bokuto.

_We’re close. We are too close right now._

Akaashi looked down and saw that Bokuto wide yellow eyes staring from underneath him. He could feel the soft tickle of his breath against his skin. He could see the growing redness of his skin traveling from his neck to his forehead. All thought of the snowball fight left his mind when Akaashi realized the compromising position they were both in. He could feel Bokuto’s arms wrapped tightly around his waist - when he grabbed Akaashi to prevent this very situation -holding him to his chest.

Akaashi was panicking. He knew he should stand up and apologize but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Bokuto. There was a light dusting of snow in his hair that sprinkled onto his face every time he shifted his body. Akaashi swore he saw Bokuto sparkle under the streetlights. Despite the cold, Bokuto looked warm and comforting and Akaashi wanted to – needed to move closer to him. He inched his face closer to Bokuto’s feeling the heat of their breaths intertwined. But when he saw Bokuto’s heavy-lidded eyes trail down from Akaashi’s to land on his lips as he also inched his face closer, the panic came back full force. He scrambled off Bokuto, almost slipping on ice again. Akaashi stood up, apologized for his clumsiness and bolted down the street leaving a confused Bokuto lying in the snow. From a distance he could hear Bokuto calling his name, calling him back to him.

***

It had been weeks since the incident. Weeks since Akaashi almost kissed his best friend. Weeks since he realized he was in love with his best friend. Akaashi spent that time in complete inner turmoil. All the thoughts and feelings he had spent so long to repress were seeping into his brain at every minute of the day. He was exhausted, tired from trying to push everything away. Lying to oneself is mentally draining.

At first, he didn’t want to acknowledge his feelings for Bokuto. He didn’t want to deal with the pain of unrequited love and being completely destroyed by someone he cares about. But as the weeks past and he still hadn’t answered Bokuto’s texts or calls, he felt it was time to feel his feelings and let them go. Instead of spending his winter break reading and relaxing, Akaashi spent it contemplating and questioning his feelings for Bokuto. If he were to confess, Akaashi could only think of the negative outcomes. He was too scared to believe that there could be a slight possibility in Bokuto accepting him.

_Impossible. He doesn’t see me as anything more than a friend._

The one thing Akaashi decided during the break was that he could not let his feelings for Bokuto get in the way of them playing volleyball. He would not allow something so trivial as emotions get in the way of Bokuto’s future. He knew Bokuto planned on playing professionaly, he couldn’t be the reason why that didn’t happen. 

Yeah, he was scared. Who wouldn’t be? He was scared of the consequences, scared of what would happen if his feelings were rejected or if they were accepted. He was scared of putting himself out there and being vulnerable. He would learn to live with these feelings.

By the time Akaashi stepped back onto campus, he was prepared to live with the pain that is loving someone who will never love you back.

***

Seeing Bokuto at practice really hurt. It hurt Akaashi so much that he couldn’t focus on anything but Bokuto. Part of Akaashi’s plan to keep his feelings at bay was to ignore his best friend as much as possible. It wasn’t a great plan, but it was the only one he could think of until he could sort out whatever was going on inside him. No texting, no late-night phone calls, no hanging out, no interacting whatsoever. It was the best option right now. He was doing this for Bokuto.

Volleyball practice was awkward. So awkward that even the other teammates were noticing the tension between them. The tight-lipped smiles between them, the missed spikes and slipped sets. They were out of sync with the game and with each other.

“Bokuto!” yelled Coach after a gruelling set of drills and sprints. “Get your head out of the clouds! You’re not focusing!”

Akaashi saw the way Bokuto’s whole body deflated as he nodded his head yes. He wondered if Bokuto was feeling the same as him, hopeless and in pain. He wondered if he should stop being a coward and go to him, comfort him. Instead, he shook the thought from his head.

_No, he’s just having an off day._

“Did something happen between you and Bokuto?” asked Konoha after the gruelling practice. “You two used to be inseparable.”

“No, nothing happened” Akaashi lied. “Maybe he’s just not feeling well?”

“Maybe.” Konoha eyed Akaashi doubtfully before shrugging his shoulders and headed to the changeroom. 

Akaashi released the breath he had been holding and eyed Bokuto practicing his spikes against the gym wall. Alone.

_This is all for the best._

***

A few days later, Akaashi walked to volleyball practice after his last class. He was in a good mood because he passed his biology test with high marks. He had been studying for so long he needed the weekend to recuperate. Walking into the gym he scanned his eyes for the tall silver-haired spiker. Not seeing him, he scanned again and again.

_Weird, Bokuto never misses practice._

“Hey, Konoha,” said Akaashi walking up to the group of upper years. “Was Bokuto-san not at school today?”

Konoha gave Akaashi a sympathetic look and took him to the side of the gym.

“No, he was in class today. But Coach found out he’s not doing so well in some of his classes and it didn’t go so well.”

Akaashi gaped at him wondering what Coach possibly could have said to Bokuto for him to not be at practice.

“I saw him walk out of the athletic office and he looked really upset,” said Konoha. “I’ve never seen him without a smile on his face, so it was pretty jarring.”

“Thanks, Konoha.” Akaashi quickly thought of a plan. “Could you tell Coach I’m not feeling well. I forgot I have to do something important.”

Konoha shrugged his shoulders. “I guess.”

Akaashi waved his thanks and slipped out the gym door. He ran back to the main building frantic to find Bokuto. He hoped that he was still at school and hadn’t left yet. Akaashi scoured the empty hallways and classrooms desperate to hear the hearty laughter of his friend. Instead – when he was sure Bokuto had left school – he heard soft sniffling echoing from the unused music room.

Akaashi gently opened the door of the classroom and stepped inside. He was greeted with stale air and clumps of dust. Akaashi glanced at the lonely instruments packed away neatly in the corner. Pages of sheet music littered the ground. The room was hopeless and desolate.

_A perfect place for hiding._

He found Bokuto hidden under the table by the window. The hoodie he wore on top of his uniform was pulled all the way up covering his head. His knees were pulled to his chin and he was crying. 

“Bokuto-san.”

The sniffling stopped and a pair of watery golden eyes peered up at Akaashi from underneath his hood. Bokuto wiped his nose on his shirt sleeve and turned his head away from the setter. 

“Go away, Akaashi.”

“Bokuto-san, are you alright?”

Bokuto didn’t respond to Akaashi’s question and instead moved further under the table. Akaashi sighed and knelt down so he was level with his friend. He reached his hand out and gently tugged at Bokuto’s pant leg. 

“Bokuto-san, what happened?”

“Please go away, Akaashi.”

“You can talk to me! Tell me why you’re upset!”

“No, I can’t!” yelled Bokuto, coming to life in the dusty, abandoned room. Akaashi watched the agony flash across his friend’s face before disappearing into a pained frown. “You’ll just run away and ignore me for weeks.”

Akaashi felt like he was just sucker punched in the stomach, all breath left his body. The truth of Bokuto’s words came crashing through the windows, through the cracks in the walls. The hurt and misery reverberated in the echoless room. Akaashi looked down at his hands, ashamed of what he had done. How could he have been so stupid? Why would he think this was the best way to deal with his feelings for Bokuto? He was trying to prevent his best friend from getting hurt but instead he made things so much worse. 

“Let me walk you home. I can make us tea and we can talk.”

Bokuto shook his head at the suggestion. Lips pursed and arms folded.

“I don’t want to go home,” he whispered withdrawing further under the table. “And I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Okay,” continued Akaashi trying to figure out the best approach to coax Bokuto from under the table. “How about you come over and I make us some grilled cheese. We don’t have to talk.”

At grilled cheese, Bokuto’s head perked up followed by the grumbling of his stomach.

“Akaashi’s World Famous Grilled Cheese?”

“Yup, but only if you come out from under the table.”

Bokuto nodded slowly and allowed Akaashi to take his hand and help pull him out from under the table. Bokuto was about to remove his hand from Akaashi’s when the black-haired setter squeezed the spiker’s fingers three times.

Akaashi was used to quiet. He was used to the quiet that surrounded him at home and the calmness it brought him. He was used to the quiet that was his own company. He used this time to think or read. But right now, the quiet was the most disturbing thing he had ever heard. It perturbed him. Everything felt wrong and out of place as he and Bokuto walked to Akaashi’s home. Bokuto hadn’t said one word since they left the music room and Akaashi’s mind was spinning.

_What is he thinking of right now?_

_He hates me so much._

_This is so awkward._

_Are we home yet?_

_I’m going to pass out._

_I’m so uncomfortable._

_PLEASE SAY SOMETHING!_

Bokuto was quiet. The silence was impossibly loud, it was ringing in Akaashi’s ears, filled with everything he had done wrong. He knew this was all his fault, but he would do anything to hear the sound of Bokuto’s laugh. He would run and scream at the top of his lungs to see Bokuto’s radiating smile. He would do anything for this man. He needed to make things right.

“Make yourself at home, Bokuto-san,” said Akaashi unlocking the door to his home. “I’ll put the kettle on.”

Bokuto nodded his head and slipped off his shoes. They padded their way down the hall to the kitchen and Akaashi got set to making their grilled cheeses. He grabbed bread from the drawer and cut thick slices, coating each side with an even amount of butter. He placed the pieces on the hot pan and waited for each side to warm before placing slices of cheese to melt. Cutting up some tomatoes, Akaashi laid the vegetable on top of the cheese. He plated the sandwiches and placed one in front of Bokuto along with a cup of green tea.

“Here you go, Bokuto-san.”

“Thank you.”

The kitchen was quiet except for the sounds of their chewing and sipping. Akaashi was losing his mind. He needed to break the silence; he couldn’t stand it anymore. He was about to ask Bokuto what happened again, but his friend beat him to it.

“I…I didn’t do too well on my exams,” mumbled Bokuto looking down at his empty plate. “I’m failing a few classes and…well, Coach found out.”

Akaashi focused his eyes on Bokuto’s hands, clenching and unclenching like he could burst at any moment. He waited for Bokuto to continue.

“Today, he told me he was going to take me off the main rotation if I don’t focus and get my grades up.” Bokuto’s voice cracked. “I’m not the smartest person out there. I suck at math and science. Don’t get me started with English. But volleyball – volleyball is everything to me.”

Bokuto took a deep breath and looked up catching Akaashi’s eyes. Whatever pain Bokuto felt was replaced by a wildness that couldn’t be stopped, as if he had nothing left to lose. 

“Everyone thinks I’m dumb. Well, they’re right. I am. There goes Stupid Bokuto with the stupid smile on his face. There goes Stupid Bokuto falling in love with his best friend. There goes Stupid Bokuto…Stupid…Bokuto.”

Bokuto took a deep breath shuddering at the forcefulness that had suddenly left his mouth before continuing in a whisper.

“Do you know how many times I went through that night wondering what I did wrong? I was so confused to why you ran away from me. I kept thinking maybe I was too forward or maybe you wanted nothing to do with me. But we were having fun skating and I swore you felt the same way I did. I could tell. But then everything just went to shit. And I don’t know why! You won’t talk to me. You won’t call me or text me back. You ignore me! I don’t care if you don’t feel the same, but you were supposed to be my friend, ‘Kaash. Please just tell me you hate me so I can try and move on because it’s messing with my head. I miss you so much.”

Bokuto slumped back in his chair exhausted from what he admitted, keeping his face hidden from Akaashi’s surprised gaze.

_Bokuto is in love with me? Bokuto is in love with me. In love. With me?_

Akaashi ran his hands through his hair gripping the strands tightly, silently cursing himself. He had to tell Bokuto that he felt the same but even now – even knowing how Bokuto felt, Akaashi was still scared.

“I don’t hate you, Bokuto-san. Not one bit.” he started. “You’re not stupid or dumb or any of those bad things you call yourself. I think you’re incredibly smart. I can help you study for your tests and you’ll stay on the main rotation. You’ll be okay…everything will be okay.”

“I missed you so much too. You’re a kind-hearted person who can remember any little detail about someone,” continued Akaashi. “You’re warm and friendly and the most wonderful friend I’ve ever had. I can’t apologize enough for what I did. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I didn’t mean for you to get hurt. I didn’t mean for things to turn out like this.”

“Then why did you leave me?”

“You know me better than I know myself, Bokuto-san. It’s scary how you can tell what I’m feeling before I even show it. That’s what makes me think you already know the reason why.”

Bokuto gently nodded his head, yellow eyes fixated on Akaashi’s, searching for something. Searching for the answer that he was looking for.

“Say it.”

Akaashi kept his mouth shut, scared of crossing into somewhere he could never come back from.

“I…I can’t.”

His mind was weaving every possible outcome that he almost didn’t hear the words slipping out of Bokuto’s mouth. The ones he was too afraid to say.

“I like you, Akaashi. I really do. But you can’t keep living your life scared of what might happen.” Bokuto scratched his head and muttered to himself, “This is definitely not how I expected to confess.”

Akaashi’s eyes widened, mouth opening and closing with his words stuck to the back of his throat. Bokuto looked at him expectantly, awaiting some sort of response from him.

_Say something you idiot! Tell him! Tell him!_

But Akaashi couldn’t speak, his tongue was glued to the roof of his mouth. His body was frozen in place, stuck to the tiled kitchen floor. He couldn’t do anything because in the end, he was still scared. Bokuto lowered his eyes and let out a shaky breath.

“Um, yeah…I guess I’m going to get going then. I’ll see you tomorrow at practice.”

_Bokuto is leaving! Speak! Don’t let him leave!_

Bokuto packed up his things and headed towards the foyer. Only as his tall figure slipped out the door did Akaashi’s legs come unstuck and his tongue unfurled. 

“Bokuto-san!” Akaashi raced to the front door, swinging it wide open, searching frantically for his friend, for the one he loves.

“Bokuto-san!”

“Bokuto-san!”

It was too late. He couldn’t find him anywhere.

***

Akaashi had ran up and down his neighbourhood searching for his best friend. He looked in alleyways and hidden alcoves, he searched the subway station and the nearest parks. Akaashi tried calling and texting but Bokuto must have turned off his phone. By the time Akaashi noticed the time and headed home, he was completely shattered from letting his best friend leave. 

Akaashi slammed his bedroom door and threw himself on his mattress, drained and exhausted.

_FUCK! Am I this much of a coward I can’t even tell my best friend I’m in love with him?_

He rolled onto his side and flipped open his phone scrolling through the unread messages he had ignored so many weeks ago.

From: Bokuto [Wednesday January 13, 2:45 p.m.]

hey hey hey Aghaasshee! I didnt c u at lunch today??!!

do u wanna stay late after practice today? :D

From: Bokuto [Friday January 15, 7:30 p.m.]

hope u have a good weekend :P enjoy the rest

From: Bokuto [Tuesday January 19, 3:30 p.m.]

’Kaash! wats up? havent heard from u in a while.

From: Bokuto [Wednesday January 20, 12:00 p.m.]

come eat lunch with me!! :DDDD

From: Bokuto [Thursday January 21, 10:32 p.m.]

r u ok?

From: Bokuto [Friday January 22, 12:13 a.m.]

y won’t you talk to me?

From: Bokuto [Saturday January 23, 3:19 a.m.]

Akaashiiiii….????

Akaashi shut his phone off and tossed it on the bed. He rubbed his eyes hard enough to see colours and stars dance across his eyelids. It was too painful. He couldn’t keep reading the rest of the unread text messages or stare at the missed phone call notifications. Akaashi stared at his bedroom ceiling tracing the lines and bumps with his eyes hoping to calm his increasing heartrate. 

_I’m such an idiot. Bokuto will never forgive you especially after what happened tonight._

What could he do to fix this? He had no idea how to make things right with Bokuto. He wasn’t sure if there was anything he _could_ do that would redeem him. Akaashi’s eyes lingered on his desk where his journals lay haphazardly, bookmarks peppered through the pages waiting for the return of his pen.

_A poem._

He flung himself off his bed and clambered out of bed towards his desk chair. It was perfect. The feelings he had spent so long trying to hide were seeping out of the cracks of his body. The tape he once used to hold himself together was unraveling. Akaashi clicked his pen, feeling a surge of energy flow through him as he pressed the ink against the page. He couldn’t hurt Bokuto anymore. He owed it to him and to himself to not be scared anymore.

***

The next day, Akaashi found Bokuto during lunch break and asked him to meet him at the garden after school. Albeit reluctantly, Bokuto agreed. Akaashi was pacing back and forth waiting for him to show up. Class had ended 30 minutes ago, and he was starting to think Bokuto might never show.

“Sorry, it was my turn to clean the classroom,” said a warm familiar voice. Bokuto stepped out from the stairway and stopped a few metres from Akaashi, unsure if he should keep moving.

“Bokuto-san,” replied Akaashi gesturing to the bench behind him. “Come, sit.”

Bokuto moved towards his friend and sat down next to him on the bench they had spent so many lunches together on.

“Uh, thanks for coming to see me. I appreciate you taking the time.”

“No problem. I wanted to hear what you had to say to me.”

_This is awkward. We’re so polite._

“Look, Bokuto-san, I asked you to meet me because I wanted to apologize.”

“Akaashi…”

“I’m…I’m so sorry, Bokuto. I hope you can forgive me for how I acted. I was stupid and a jerk. I was running away from you because I was scared. I was…am a coward. I almost lost the most important person to me because I couldn’t tell him how much I…”

Akaashi paused his sentence and gasped for air. He tried to shift his eyes away from Bokuto’s but a large hand grabbed his and gently squeezed, urging him on. Akaashi continued.

“Months ago, you asked me to write you something. I didn’t think much of it because I don’t enjoy being vulnerable. Exhibit A,” Akaashi gestured between the two chuckling nervously. “I don’t like having my emotions on display. But I need you to know.”

“I wrote you a poem.” Akaashi carefully pulled out a sheet of paper folded in quarters, hands shaking. The paper was slightly creased and worn out at the edges. Akaashi’s writing was neat, inked thoughts cautiously etched on its lines.

“I guess there’s no going back now, is there?” whispered Akaashi.

Bokuto shook his head no. “Take a deep breath, ‘Kaash. I’m here for you no matter what.”

“Okay,” Akaashi cleared his throat.

_I can explain why I left that night_

_Why the widening of your eyes and lips_

_Made me breathless at the sight_

_I wish I had taken hold of your fingertips_

_You asked me what I wished for_

_Under starlight, I told you it wouldn’t come true_

_I wished for you, everything and more_

_I wish I had kissed you too_

Akaashi trembled under the strain of revealing his soul and the feelings he had hidden from Bokuto for so long. He felt warm fingers trace his jawline, cupping the side of his face.

_When I see the sunlight_

_I see the colour of your eyes_

_Yellow and bright_

_It reminds me of the morning skies_

_If I could – if you let me,_

_I would spend every moment looking in your eyes_

_Soaking in the warmth under this very tree_

_Watching the sunrise_

Akaashi’s words trailed off as he felt warm tears streaming down his face. He didn’t know if he could keep going. There was so much left to say even words couldn’t explain. He needed Bokuto to understand how much he cares for him. He was brought back to where he was, standing in front of Bokuto head bent looking to the ground. He could taste the lone tear droplet in his mouth. He could feel the warmth of Bokuto’s palm. He could smell the muskiness of the pine trees surrounding them. He could see the melting snow under their boots. He could hear the breaths of air lingering between them.

“I’ll let you.”

“Huh?”

“I’ll let you spend every moment looking into my eyes,” joked Bokuto wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Akaashi.

It was if all of his fear had evaporated the moment Bokuto grinned. Every anxious thought spiralling in his head disappeared in his sunshine. He couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. For a moment the two of them laughed basking in each other’s comfort. Enjoying the warmth they missed so much.

“I love you so much, Koutarou,” sighed Akaashi.

“Keiji.”

With the breathy utterance of Akaashi’s name, Bokuto tilted Akaashi’s head up and brushed his smooth lips against his. It was sweet. The gentleness of new lovers trying to learn everything about one another. For a moment, it was only the two of them, alone in the world with arms wrapped in each other’s embrace. Akaashi felt the soft tickle of Bokuto’s breath against his cheek, fingers moving from his jaw to tangle at the base of his scalp. The kiss was over far too quickly with one final peck leaving Akaashi dizzy in Bokuto’s arms. 

“I love you too,” replied Bokuto sighing into Akaashi’s jaw. He smiled and trailed his finger through Akaashi’s hair, following the curve of his neck leaving a line of soft kisses. “I wish I had kissed you sooner.”

“Well, you can keep kissing me if you’d like,” smiled Akaashi mischievously.

“Anything for you, my love.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you thank you so much for reading. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!


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